


Maybe in Another Lifetime

by arixng



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Almost Marriage, Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:13:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arixng/pseuds/arixng
Summary: To love and to cherish,Till death do us part.He had envisioned everything.For so many years, Taiga was his heart and his future.And as easily as he had imagined a lifetime with him, the dream was shattered.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	Maybe in Another Lifetime

Whether or not the steady downpour and the overcast sky were mere coincidences, they were easily a form of mockery in Hokuto’s eyes. It was a reflection of the brewing storm inside him, waiting to burst into a barrage of unspoken regret. 

For an empty year, he had held on, desperately clutching onto the tiniest thread left of his sanity. But Hokuto had to remind himself that his heart existed. Despite how long it endured the wounds that scarred it, it had a limit. And no matter how desperate he was to hold on to that thread composed of his delusive stability, it would be severed anyway by the weight of his guilt. 

No matter how hard he tried to keep himself from falling apart, if the very man who had built his heart as easily as he had destroyed it was sitting right in front of him, looking at him with eyes that mirrored his pain, Hokuto didn’t stand a chance.

Just where did they go wrong?

They were in love. _So_ in love, that Hokuto couldn’t see anyone but him. He thought they were on the right track, steady and unswerving on a rail heading to a future he was eager to see. To him, what lies ahead could’ve been anything as long as Taiga was there, holding his hand tight and walking alongside him on the path. If he was just there beside him, he would have been content. 

They were so in love that they spent so many mornings waking up to a warm embrace. The cold and emptiness they had been accustomed to before they had met were instantly forgotten. The mornings were so much easier to bear when the first thing Hokuto saw was Taiga’s face, so peacefully asleep that his chest swelled with emotion. Then when they had to leave the bed and part ways for the day, despite the events that passed, whether good or bad, they always knew they had each other to come home to. 

They were so in love that Hokuto had once pictured themselves standing in front of each other, a higher being watching over as delicate hands slipped golden bands on lithe fingers. Then they would utter their vows, an earnest pledge to be of each other’s partner, to have and to hold from this day forward. 

Taiga had him —he always did. And Hokuto would treasure him forever, seizing each moment to hold him like he would slip away. 

For better, or for worse, he would stick by his side and never once doubt his love. 

For richer, for poorer, he would fight to bring him comfort, pouring whatever he had to offer to lift them both up. 

In sickness and in health, they would persist, putting faith on another waking day full of life and vigor. 

To love and to cherish, 

Till death do us part. 

He had envisioned it all. 

For so many years, Taiga was his heart and his future. 

And as easily as he had imagined a lifetime with him, the dream was shattered. 

Was he to blame? Was it his fault to have fallen so deeply? Was it so wrong to love so ardently, to give himself wholly into another person?

Was fate so vicious to him to make him hope for a future that couldn’t be set in stone? 

He had so many things he wanted to say. He had so much pent up after a year of loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, and exhaustion. He had cried on so many nights until there was nothing left of him —until he was lying on a cold bed with tired eyes that stared heedlessly toward nothing. There were so many things he wanted to let out, so many things he wanted to scream and remove from his system. 

Yet the only thing he could utter were two words through a shaky voice and tear-glazed eyes. 

“I’m sorry.”

Two simple words and they carried a whole story. 

It hurts so much. He was so used to waking up to him and falling asleep in his embrace. He had unveiled everything about him to Taiga, told him the things people couldn’t know about him, told him his thoughts, fears, his dreams, and to just suddenly lose the person he opened himself to...it had hurt so much. 

He couldn’t love again. He couldn’t even get himself to try; he was too afraid to repeat the same cycle and in the first place, he couldn’t trust himself to commit to anyone else. His heart had been broken and it would only eat him up to give his heart to someone new knowing he wasn’t whole. Inevitably, Hokuto had kept to himself, finding it impossible for a second try. 

For a year, he was lost and time had stood still. 

“What are you sorry for?” Taiga’s voice was almost drowned out by the pouring rain outside. It had been so long since Hokuto had heard it and it worsened the ache in his chest. Tongue-tied, he carefully searches for the right words in his head despite having rehearsed this moment several times, but he blurts it in the end when he looks up from his fumbling hands and accidentally meets Taiga’s eyes. 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t love you better. For weighing you down. For suffocating you.” Those words finally coming out of his mouth should have lifted a heavy weight off of him but instead, his body felt like lead. It was difficult to meet Taiga’s eyes when the brightness he loved so much couldn’t be found. 

Slowly, the man in front of him shakes his head. There were many things that happened between them but hearing those from Hokuto just didn’t feel right. “I...I was at fault too. I didn’t know how to handle...that.” Taiga didn’t have to say the struggles they went through. Hokuto knew it all too well. 

“I know I should’ve been more careful. But...Taiga, was I too much for you?” He didn’t mean for his voice to quiver at the end of his question.

Shoulders falling, Taiga looks away. His lips part as if he was ready to answer but nothing comes out. The question was a step to his heart and he hated that he had made Hokuto even think in such a way, but a part of him also knew he had to be fair to himself; he had his own limits and he wasn’t strong enough to push through them. 

Hands restless, Hokuto runs his fingers through his hair and he presses on his throbbing temples. “I gave you my everything. I tried my best for you...until I thought there was nothing left in me.”

“I know,” Taiga whispers, guilt eating him up the same way it did with the man in front of him. 

“And I thought you did too.” 

The memories and emotions come flooding back again in Taiga’s mind and he fights the urge to stand up and run away. He did that once and he couldn’t do it again. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I...I wish I was stronger back then.” His eyes fall to his lap and he shuts them for a bit, long lashes fanning over cheekbones. Something glistens on his cheek and Hokuto has to hold his breath and look up to the ceiling to quell himself when he realizes they were tears. 

“I’m sorry I gave up on us.” His voice was so soft but the shame lingering within it couldn’t be missed. 

Hokuto falls silent. To hear those words from Taiga himself, confirming the truth that indeed he had given up...his chest constricts in pain. Just when did it start? When did things start to change and Taiga started getting exhausted? The fact that he couldn’t remember angers him. Just what was he doing, leaving Taiga to suffer like that? Why didn’t he notice earlier? 

Teeth gritting, Hokuto clenches his fists under the table and digs his nails into his palm to stop his hands from trembling. He had his faults, and that was the absolute truth. But he couldn’t help feeling like he had been abandoned. 

Distraught, Taiga rests his elbows on the table, hunching over and pressing the heels of his hands on his eyes in frustration. The tears wouldn’t stop. “I didn’t know what to do. I got confused...and scared.” His breath shakes and he takes a second before he continues. “I wanted to be there when you were hurting. But I couldn’t.” 

Hokuto ponders. _‘Because I was a burden?’_

“Maybe because I was starting to feel we weren’t meant for each other.”

Hokuto’s heart stops in his chest. He releases his tight grip, the skin of his palms stinging from the harsh dents he had inflicted on himself. His voice cracks and he sobs. “..Taiga..” The last piece of strength he held shatters and he breaks. 

Back then, Hokuto used to believe that love was a choice and that it could flourish with enough strength and effort. He spat on those silly fantasies like soulmates or partners tied by a red string and destined to be together —he just couldn’t believe in those. But in the lonely nights where his mind was a broken record, he began to rethink and settle for being a hypocrite. It was better to think that they fell apart simply because they just weren’t meant for each other in the first place. It was less painful than accepting they were broken even after giving it their all. 

Silence fills the growing space between them, so loud and heavy that the rain could only do so much to drown it out. They stay still, unmoving and unable to look up from the small table separating them. The sky outside had turned completely dark and it spoke of the passage of time that had been left forgotten. They were in their own world now, but unlike the place that brought hope and joy, it was turning into a place better left barren. 

When the ache in his chest subsides for a while and his eyes were so dry that he couldn’t cry anymore, Hokuto gathers enough strength to pour the last bit of him, and he takes his chance. He lifts his head and breathes in a shaky breath, trying hard to resist his fears and fix his gaze on the man he loved. 

“Then tell me one thing. Was it real?” He asks into the silence. He doesn’t expound but he didn’t need to. Taiga understood. He nods. 

“You taught me what real love was, Hokuto.” 

And it was the truth. Hearing that from Taiga was enough. With those words, Hokuto knew that even if it sinks in very slowly, knowing he had done so much was enough for him to accept their reality. The sincerity overflowing in Taiga’s eyes was making his chest clench again and he was fighting so hard to keep himself from crossing the space and wiping away the tears streaming down on Taiga’s face.

Accepting that this was his last chance and that there was no turning back, Hokuto pours out the words that had been gnawing on his heart for too long. 

“I loved you so much.” _And I still do._

Taiga stills at his confession. The very moment he accepts and resigns himself to their reality is clear when his frame relaxes and a bitter smile appears on his face. “I loved you too.” 

Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was the time and place. 

But Hokuto held on to the hope that in some world out there, the two of them were together, happy and living the dream he had envisioned. 

It just happened that this world wasn’t theirs.


End file.
